Dear Mom ,
It's been a year and a half since you died. When you first transitioned everything in my world became so vibrant and alive. When you died I saw you and felt you in everything. Magic was present and tangible all around me. Somehow I flowed at a different vibration, so much so that a deer one day literally licked my ass! Animals, birds came so close to me especially when I was crying like they so knew.
Then over the past six months everything in my world became more dull. Somehow I sense Mom that you settled into your new home and, I became more removed from our profound connection. I feel my heart is often closed. This lack of connection is so foreign to me since I had the gift of helping care for you for fifteen years before you died.
Depression and fear set in replacing aliveness and awe. I found myself isolating and withdrawing from my interactions in an attempt to make my world as small and safe as possible. THIS WAS NOT A FUN OR COMFORTABLE TIME AND I OFTEN CAUGHT MYSELF IN GREAT JUDGEMENT OF MYSELF. Like “get over it, Diane!”
I'm realizing tonight, Mom, during this intense holiday season that all of these emotions are included and deeply part of the journey of life and death. And, as painful and dulling or depressed and terrifying that these emotions are, its the array of BEING ALIVE. I am so grateful for the support of other humans on this planet!!!
Thank you Mom for your continued lessons. I hope this speaks to others dealing with the loss of loved ones and the intensity of all emotions during this time of year. Forever Change and Transition. Love Diane