The Holiday Season

Dear Mom ,
      It's been a year and a half since you died. When you first transitioned everything in my world became so vibrant and alive. When you died I saw you and felt you in everything. Magic was present and tangible all around me. Somehow I flowed at a different vibration, so much so that a deer one day literally licked my ass! Animals, birds came so close to me especially when I was crying like they so knew.
     Then over the past six months everything in my world became more dull. Somehow I sense Mom that you settled into your new home and, I became more removed from our profound connection. I feel my heart is often closed. This lack of connection is so foreign to me since I had the gift of helping care for you for fifteen years before you died.

                                                            Joan Ross, Diane's mother

                                                           Joan Ross, Diane's mother

     Depression and fear set in replacing aliveness and awe. I found myself isolating and withdrawing from my interactions in an attempt to make my world as small and safe as possible. THIS WAS NOT A FUN OR COMFORTABLE TIME AND I OFTEN CAUGHT MYSELF IN GREAT JUDGEMENT OF MYSELF. Like “get over it, Diane!”
     I'm realizing tonight, Mom, during this intense holiday season that all of these emotions are included and deeply part of the journey of life and death. And, as painful and dulling or depressed and terrifying that these emotions are, its the array of BEING ALIVE. I am so grateful for the support of other humans on this planet!!!
Thank you Mom for your continued lessons. I hope this speaks to others dealing with the loss of loved ones and the intensity of all emotions during this time of year. Forever Change and Transition. Love Diane

 

Wholeness

     Mom’s last words before she died were “I have it and I’ve always had it. I love you! We generate...regenerate good feelings!!”
  I really did not get this on a TRUE level until now. A few weeks ago I wrote about how the young little kid inside us longs for mother. Feels incomplete, needy, etc. Then my Aunt Deb responded to this with her instinctual heart wisdom:
  “Di, you are the archetype of unconditional ‘mother love’. My perception is, that as beautiful, free and emotionally transparent your mom was, you, Diane, have become an anchor of consistency, enduring love, stability and eventually undying devotion for your mom."

“I'm wondering if what you are longing for is an emotional connection with the power of your OWN loving, giving essence…and whether your spirit might be asking for recognition of its love in parenting the eternal childlike heart provoking spirit within you.”
  Wow, I got it! What we can give to others, we must turn inward towards ourselves because in order to give it we truly must be it! This may sound funky but so what? I am spreading mom’s ashes on my own heart to remember that I am WHOLE! We are WHOLE!! We are born that way!!

Nourishment

    Today I went to the tree that represents my mother for me. I asked her wisdom from death on my relationship with food. Her first question to me was “Diane, why search for a muffin when you want it gluten-free, dairy-free, no nuts, no butter, ON and ON. Why?? What kind of muffin are you looking for?!” I realized I want a muffin without pleasure. I want a GOOD muffin not a BAD muffin because I want to be a GOOD person, not a BAD person. When Im caught up worrying about GOOD or BAD there’s no pleasure. There’s no BEING. Seem familiar to anyone else? What would our dance with food look like if we moved beyond right and wrong? I’m curious. I wonder if we can become more in tune with what works for us individually.

                        Diane's mother Joan

                       Diane's mother Joan

      Then I ask Mom about my food sensitivities. She said. “Diane, be respectful of food. Treat your food with respect, treat your body with respect….but mostly ENJOY your food. Food is great pleasure at it’s root.” It’s a pleasure until our mind gets involved and categorizes, separates, distinguishes and fusses.

      I’m discovering and uncovering a fine dance of eating what feels good in my body and not getting caught up in trends or what others say is best. I am learning to listen and feel and mostly come home to my body while I still have a body. I’m learning more and more from my mom the only thing separating life from death is our bodies and this earth. We’re in a global shift from a place of making decision from our minds to making decision from our bodies and our relationship with the soul of the earth. I remember over and over again treat my body with R. E. S. P. E. C. T. !! Like Aretha says!

      From talking to Mom in Death daily, I am wondering besides a body and this profoundly incredible earth WHAT ELSE WILL BE DIFFERENT IN DEATH? Maybe we won't worry as much about gluten-free and dairy-free? I wonder. Mostly Mom says again “enjoy your food, Diane! enjoy your life! Relax into your food and see how you feel. I imagine, Diane, it will feel better.” “Thank you, Mom! I know how much you loved to eat. I always watched you in awe because your relationship with food was FREE!!” Freedom, isn't this what we all truly want in life??
food as friend, food as freedom, food as an incredible gift that nourishes us while we are alive. As we die we no longer eat and what happens when were dead?? The great mystery.

      What I have discovered from listening to Mom from death is she only speaks to me when I am still, grounded and not racing around and worrying. This is I believe the place to ask ourselves about food choices and what to eat. wow! how things are different when I breathe! Bless, take time to honor and BE before doing. Take time for digestion!

Mostly Mom says we should be gentle with ourselves. Listening to our bodies and play!

Mom

      In one month my mom will have been dead for one year. My mom told me that she would only speak to me after life when I was in stillness and lived in Being instead of doing. I committed to this Grace with appreciation and relief. When I go to a special tree that has become my mom for me she talks to me clearly and with wisdom:
      “Be kind to yourself, Diane, be gentle. Enjoy your life. Don’t wait for death to know you’re a complete person. Everyone has a sense there is a hole in them, that something is missing. No matter how much one accomplishes how many trophies or degrees you acquire, how many races you run or relationships have. Nothing outside yourself nor any other person can fill that hole. Because unconditional love is found from the inside out. Health in found from the inside out. Diane, those of us in death want all of you in life to see your own incredibleness now in life. The deaths you experience in life will prepare you for death. Stop apologizing for being human! Be messy as you are!"

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       "I love you. Do you see me Diane?? I’m here. I’m everywhere and I will continue to share unconditional love with you. I am free. You are free. Your life is a prayer. Death is still. Death is free. Death is in you and death is in me.”